Tuesday, February 12, 2008
To save this blog from oblivion I suppose I should post my recent writings.
I think from now on my blogs will be 'imported.'

An exaggeration (but they're always more fun to write anyway):

There was certainly something about that room that tingled the senses. It mocked the atmosphere of a former grandiose that was humbled. As a classroom it did well to intimidate its occupants. Futuristic windows and sleek furnishings created a very collegiate air. The spaced out tables formed an archipelago of islands set against the dark blue background of the carpet. The inhabitants had unconsciously grouped themselves within each tiny landmass in accordance to their academic capabilities. To think of the irony, it would have been very cruel if that had been the distribution in the wild. But then again, book smarts does not always equal street smarts.

To some that atmosphere was home. Perhaps in a prelude to Ivy League acceptances and midnight discussions about Chaucer, that bunch had embraced the academic gold mine it claimed to be. For sure, their hearts did not quicken at the possibility of failure for it did not, nor would it ever, happen to them. In zen-nature speak, they had become one with their surroundings.

The place no doubt suited the rigors of the reputable class but the extent of the weight of the course was gracefully executed by the one in command. The 'captain' established ambitious parameters for every pupil that has ever walked into her class and in doing so rolled the burdens and pressures of being a student into a neatly stacked inverted pyramid on your head. 'Potential' became the word to fear. Expectations grew to great heights. To balance that pyramid throughout the whole period would be impressive; the load only gets wider and heavier with time.

It was always tricky to discern exactly what was expected of you there. At times, you are confident you can read the signs and avoid Madame Le Guillotine but that confidence is usually always quickly deflated. It was for me, anyway.

If it was anything with the brighter stars and 'natural-born' leaders it was their pragmatism, which I daresay, I admire a great deal. To abandon an recondite state of mind and think within the boundaries of rationality was something to revel in. And though scorned by 'true idealists,' you can not deny the successes which were borne from living in that theory. It certainly did not hurt their cause.

Sometimes I wonder if everything said within the confinement of the course really is to be believed. The captain has to be optimistic to keep the crew on board with the mission and avoid any mutinies, naturally, but to a point she must be ruthlessly brutal with her honesty. Surely, she does not truly believe we all have the capabilities of 'making it'... whatever that means.

To those of us on this side of the line, our existence becomes precarious. Our dreams are so wildly creative and optimistic they border on absurdity. We undermine the nature of our errors secretly to ourselves after thoroughly berating them with our peers. Disappointment becomes a fairly useful word to describe our mental state at any point on our emotional range. Any return of assignments becomes a weekly ritual of dread and panic. The nonchalant attitude must be at the surface at all times, but inside the blood rushes in anticipation for numbers that could ruin the day's outlook and words that will diffuse the ecstasy of a light-hearted, naive hope welling up inside you. After more than enough in failures, decampment is still not permitted. So the bitterness is swallowed and the cycle of hopefulness and despair begins once more.

To what extent can this demanding world be tolerated inside an abstract mind? To what point can it be said that the reason for failure is only within the faults and weaknesses of those pursuing this path? If one person is able, does it really mean all others have no excuse? As one who is not particularly susecptible to any 'encouragement' and will not be moved by any pushes except those that are derived internally, I must say that the world is always at blame (thus the reason I am even writing this, true?)

If nothing else, I am kept sane by the anticipation for that sudden burst of freedom; the exodus from such a repressive and stifling environment.

The bright, blue skies of the real world beckon for an abandonment of structure and rational thought, but for the moment my only adventures lie within the imaginary ocean of navy blue carpet.

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posted by Pb, lead at 11:15 AM | 1 comments
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
posted by Pb, lead at 10:10 PM | 0 comments
Monday, December 10, 2007
I have never attended a private school before this and I've always had quite negative inclinations towards them, their students, and their administrations. By the time I was in 4th grade many of my friends had begun to transfer into private schools, mostly to all-girls/boys schools (those few that I knew that attended Catholic schools had moved at around 2nd or 3rd grade). Nothing would change in terms of our usual gatherings and outings but naturally we said our goodbyes. We feared for the worst: that they would become one of them.

It's not that we were unreasonably poor - I'm sure most of us in our group had parents that could afford to send their kids to private schools - certainly though, our parents had very different views on education. The wealth of some of my friends was also not so easily distinguished. It was hidden not among luxurious and excessive displays of material possessions such as jewelry as much as it was shown in their houses. They weren't big mansions but they were historical landmarks. Virginia as a whole often fails to attract many tourists because of its lack of "exciting" attractions. What we have are centuries of American history perserved within our seemingly dark and distant forests. We're over our heads in history that I sometimes think people have already forgotten about us ("Oh, well, at least we know that we won't ever get attacked by terrorists!" from a friend).

Nonetheless, I didn't think much of those "private school girls." In terms of education and intelligence they certainly did not amount to much. They were shallow and had such a negative assertiveness to their whole persona. They had so much confidence in everything that came out of their mouths regardless of what nonsense they spewed out. They lived lavishly in hopes that the spotlight would forever be on them. Unfortunately, a lot of my friends became these girls. My relationships with them grew to be quite interesting. I had my closer friends with whom I would mock and make fun of the prissies but I was not at all mean to them. Whenever we got together it just seemed like a big joke. Naturally, I did not think as highly of them. They had too many secrets around them, it was the grandest scale of hypocricies.

People here are often quite surprised to know that I had gone to a public school in the states. My middle school especially was predominantly African-American. Sure, there was trouble but in many ways I think my head was straighter there than it is here. I guess you can say I have yet to master the art of juggling my deceptions.

Sometimes I wonder who's pitying who...

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posted by Pb, lead at 12:41 PM | 0 comments
I remember around the time I was in 7th grade I developed an obsession with suicide. Death, in general, had intrigued me but I had stumbled upon a few fictional novels surrounding the issue of teenage suicide and it drew me in. I was not at all suicidal or even depressed, in fact, at that time, I was pretty content with my life and who I was - something I was not accustomed to up to this point. There was something obscure and alluring about the very thought. Some melancholy beauty that seemed majestic yet terrifying at the same time. It scared me, but I just couldn't take myself out of the darkness. Much like Annie John actually, with her slight obsession with death.

I did my own research of course, and read real stories about teen suicide. It amazed me how altogether complex these adolescent minds must be! (Or maybe by choosing 'the easy way out' their minds became blurred to form one continuous strand that was not at all complicated). People called it cowardice that these victims would take their own life - a decision not meant for imperfect, unenlightened, human minds - but surely you must have some ounce of courage within you to dare stop the wheels of your existence.

I couldn't understand the depths to which they felt their loss, their grief. Was it truly possible for one to be so overcome with worthlessness and sorrow that they would even consider to end it by simply disappearing? 'How stupid,' I thought. I mean, the least you could do was runaway first. Do something extravagant before you kill yourself. You were going to die anyway.

The following year, I was in 8th grade and word got around about a suicide that happened at a middle school outside of the city. Apparently, it had been one of my close friend's acquaintances. I would expect this shook some of us quite a bit. Suicides weren't uncommon, but I would expect that Richmond doesn't have a high suicide rate. Most troubled teens move on to the Carolinas and proceed to commit more moral self-destruction there before they would even consider physical harm to themselves. I did not watch the special on the local news about the event, but from my friends, I had gathered that she killed herself because of a bad breakup with a boyfriend and her subsequent 'D' on a test shortly following. I pitied her so much. 'What a lost soul.' Imagine killing yourself over a test grade.

Now, that I am reminded of it again, I am reconsidering my stance on her death. Sure, there are the really idiotic ones who commit suicide for attention, but I don't find it impossible that things as small as a break-up and a fail could push someone over the edge. If you have multitudes of pressure mounting on you, a little blow could soon be destructive and cause a mental implosion. I can certainly relate to that. To have something so overbearing always on your shoulder. There are no time-outs. There seems to be no escape because what you thought was your asylum has disappeared, and in its place is now another monster. Saying it aloud - what she must have been feeling - would only degrade its importance. How could you express something like that in something as concrete and restricting as words?

The news of that girl swept over us like another breeze. After the day it came up on the news, no one else mentioned the story; none of us had really cared in the first place. Besides, there were sniper alerts and school shootings taking place closer to home. At the same time I, too, had realized that my obsession was slowly fading. I was not completely free of it, but I just no longer had the time to sit around and mull around in my thoughts.

It no longer haunts me - the idea of suicide, I mean. It's tragic, but I'm not afraid of it like I was back in middle school. Not that I'm any closer to understanding how they could possibly bring themselves to it, but I must admit I stand aghast at my own discoveries thus far. The thing is though, I understand clearer now what it must be like for them. Whereas, I had been from the outside trying to look into a hazy window, I am now standing on the inside realizing that it had been a one-way mirror all along.

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posted by Pb, lead at 12:19 PM | 0 comments
Sunday, December 9, 2007
I reallyyy have no clue what to write right now. It is Sunday night and there is one week left of school so I am not really in the school mode. I am just ready to sleep in and take it easy for 3 weeks. WOOHOO! My grandparents are coming on Tuesday and so I am really excited! I just need to get through this last week!! Usually the last week before break is fun... and maybe the last few days will be but i know for sure that these first few days SUCK! Tomorrow I have my IOP to do and lets just say I am super nervous for it!!! Plus I have this weird bahasa homework due tomorrow and I am not even sure what I am supposed to do for it. Then on Tuesday i have a stupid math test plus I think i have my first volley ball game of the season... which I am not looking super forward to because I am not that good at volley ball. I think one of the main reasons that I don't improve that much in volley ball is because i can't understand what she is saying. She speaks in Indonesian the whole time and i catch just a few words that she says. These are the times that I wish I lived back in America! Haha. Friday night was the deeper concert, and it was actually really fun. The band is really good. The only weird thing was that everyone jumped. Haha I don't know why but when it is christian songs I don't feel like jumping as much as usual. I think my favorite part was when there was the candle lighting and stuff. It was really relaxing and christmas-y.. haha. Today was Zowie's birthday party. It was fun! We went to the Mariot for lunch and has some amazing food! Then we waved and hitted on random guys on the toll road... that was probably the best part! Especially when we tried to through our number at some guy... bwahahaha! Then we went and played pool at Piza. All in all it was a fun day. Boy I really dont want to go back to school tomorrow!! I just have to keep the word HOLIDAY running through my head and I think I will be ok. Well it is kinda late..actually its not but I am tired. Sorry this is a really random post!! My brain couldn't think of anything to write... I think IB has turned it into mush. GUH.
~Hana
posted by four and a half at 9:35 PM | 0 comments
Saturday, December 8, 2007



christmas is definitly my favourite holiday of the year. i loooooooooove it. i dont know what it is about it that makes me so festive every year, but nevertheless, i do become surprisingly festive. i find it really sad to see people not excited during the christmas season. christmas is always so pretty and exciting i dont know how its possible not to be excited. maybe the fact that i dont have to go to school for three weeks and ill be receiving presents is a big factor as to why i get so excited about this holiday. i guess the only thing i dont like about christmas is having to figure out what presents to buy my family. what if they dont like what i get them? what if someone else gets them the same thing? its just so irritating having to think about all that. i wish i could just read people's minds and buy them what they really want so they wont have to pretend to like the presents i get them if they find it to be average.

do you guys know the song Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt? ive never been so in love with a christmas song until my dad played it on his strereo the other night. yes i know that this is a relatively old song, but its not my fault that i havent heard of it before =). the song's so cute and funny and unique, i never get bored listening to it. i usually dont put the lyrics of songs in my blogs but this song needs to be put in my blog. its too good. (i wont put the whole song down; just little parts of it.)

Santa Baby -Eartha Kitt
Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, For me.
been an awful good girl,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Think of all the fun I've missed,
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed,
Next year I could be just as good,
If you'll check off my Christmas list,

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex, And checks.
Sign your 'X' on the line,
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight.

Come and trim my Christmas tree,
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's,
I really do believe in you,
Let's see if you believe in me,

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, A ring.
I don't mean on the phone,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry, tonight.

ISNT IT CUTE?!?!?! i highly recommend anyone who hasnt heard of this song to downlowad it right away. i know it may seem a little weird in the beginning since its not very often we hear someone sing about santa that way, but after a while, it really starts to get to you. its addicting and im a MAJOR addict.
------------------------------------------------------------------
here are some christmas jokes:

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
HAHA!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
HAHA!

What do elves learn in school?
The ELF-abet
HAHA!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
HAHA!

(the funnier jokes were kind of off color so i decided it wasnt a good idea to share them) :)

well, i hope all you guys have a lovely christmas and a happy new year. may your parents/siblings/boyfriend(s)/friends give u what you acutally want
posted by four and a half at 3:20 PM | 0 comments
BUTTERFLY KISSES
BY~ BOB CARLISLE

There's two things I know for sure.
She was sent here from heaven,
And she's daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night,
she talks to Jesus, and I close my eyes.
And I thank God for all of the joy in my life, But most of all, for...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk beside the pony daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning,
And butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet Sixten today,
She's looking like her momma
a little more everyday.
One part women, the other part girl.
To perfume and makeup,
from ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings out in a great big world. But I remember...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you daddy,
But if you dont mind,
I'm only going to kiss you on
the cheek this time."
With all that I've done wrong,
I must have done have something right.
To deserve her love every morning,
And butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread you wings and fly

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise,
and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride room
just staring at her,
she asked me what I'm thinking,
and I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over...and gave me...

Butterfly kisses, with her momma there
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle daddy, it's just about time"
"Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?" "Daddy don't cry"
With all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning,
And butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask God for more, man, this is what love is
I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning, and butterfly kisses..


THIS SONG STARTED PLAYING ON MY IPOD AS I WAS WORKING OUT THIS MORNING. I HADN'T LISTENED TO IT FOR QUITE SOME TIME AND IT MADE ME STOP AND THINK A LITTLE. ALL OF A SUDDEN IT FEELS LIKE MY LIFE IS GOING SO FAST THAT I CAN'T CATCH UP WITH IT. EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND I HAVE A WHOLE DIFFERENT SET OF EMOTIONS FLOODING THROUGH ME. ONE MINUTE I FEEL HAPPY AND EXCITED ABOUT LIFE, AND THE NEXT MINUTE I JUST WANT TO STAY IN BED AND NEVER SEE ANYONE EVER AGAIN. I REALIZE THAT IT IS THE AGE THAT IM AT AND I HAVE TONS OF "CHANGES" HAPPENING IN ME RIGHT NOW OR AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT MY MOM KEEPS TRYING TO TELL ME. I KNOW THAT THOSE THINGS ARE ALL TRUE BUT THIS SONG BRINGS ME BACK TO WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. LIFE WAS SO SIMPLE AND FUN. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRIE ABOUT GRADES OR GUYS OR EATING HEALTHY OR ANYTHING. I MISS THE DAYS WHEN LIFE WAS CARE FREE. WHEN NO ONE CARED ABOUT ANYTHING BUT WHAT RECESS GAME TO PLAY NEXT. RIGHT NOW ITS LIKE MY BRAIN IS ON OVER DRIVE AND MY EMOTIONS ARE ON THOSE SPINNING STRAWBERRY RIDES AT CARNIVALS. AND THEN SINCE THE SPINNING OVER DRIVE IS TAKING PLACE MY BODY CAN'T KEEP UP AND EVENTUALLY I JUST FALL INTO A HEAP. EVERYTHING SEEMS SO UNCERTAIN AND UNSTABLE RIGHT NOW. LIKE ANY SECOND EVERYTHING COULD BE FLIPPED... AND IM NOT SURE IT THE FLIP SIDE WOULD BE BETTER OR WORSE TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, BECAUSE IM NOT SURE IF WHERE I AM AT IS GOOD OR BAD. GEEZE, I THINK OF THIS SONG AND IT TALKES ABOUT A DAD LOVING HIS DAUGHTER AND HOW SHE GROWS UP. AND I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK "I DON'T WANNA GROW UP!" HAHAHA BECOMING OLDER USED TO SOUND FUN AND EXCITING TO ME, BUT NOW I JUST FEEL LIKE IM IN A WHIRL WIND AND IM NOT READY TO BE ON MY OWN OR COMPLETELY GROWN UP. THE THING IS THOUGH, THAT WETHER I, READY OR NOT ITS STILL GOING TO HAPPEN... AND ITS GOING TO HAPPEN SOONER RATHER THEN LATER.

WE WILL ALL MAKE IT ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!

~Hana
posted by four and a half at 12:32 PM | 0 comments