I remember around the time I was in 7th grade I developed an obsession with suicide. Death, in general, had intrigued me but I had stumbled upon a few fictional novels surrounding the issue of teenage suicide and it drew me in. I was not at all suicidal or even depressed, in fact, at that time, I was pretty content with my life and who I was - something I was not accustomed to up to this point. There was something obscure and alluring about the very thought. Some melancholy beauty that seemed majestic yet terrifying at the same time. It scared me, but I just couldn't take myself out of the darkness. Much like Annie John actually, with her slight obsession with death.
I did my own research of course, and read real stories about teen suicide. It amazed me how altogether complex these adolescent minds must be! (Or maybe by choosing 'the easy way out' their minds became blurred to form one continuous strand that was not at all complicated). People called it cowardice that these victims would take their own life - a decision not meant for imperfect, unenlightened, human minds - but surely you must have some ounce of courage within you to dare stop the wheels of your existence.
I couldn't understand the depths to which they felt their loss, their grief. Was it truly possible for one to be so overcome with worthlessness and sorrow that they would even consider to end it by simply disappearing? 'How stupid,' I thought. I mean, the least you could do was runaway first. Do something extravagant before you kill yourself. You were going to die anyway.
The following year, I was in 8th grade and word got around about a suicide that happened at a middle school outside of the city. Apparently, it had been one of my close friend's acquaintances. I would expect this shook some of us quite a bit. Suicides weren't uncommon, but I would expect that Richmond doesn't have a high suicide rate. Most troubled teens move on to the Carolinas and proceed to commit more moral self-destruction there before they would even consider physical harm to themselves. I did not watch the special on the local news about the event, but from my friends, I had gathered that she killed herself because of a bad breakup with a boyfriend and her subsequent 'D' on a test shortly following. I pitied her so much. 'What a lost soul.' Imagine killing yourself over a test grade.
Now, that I am reminded of it again, I am reconsidering my stance on her death. Sure, there are the really idiotic ones who commit suicide for attention, but I don't find it impossible that things as small as a break-up and a fail could push someone over the edge. If you have multitudes of pressure mounting on you, a little blow could soon be destructive and cause a mental implosion. I can certainly relate to that. To have something so overbearing always on your shoulder. There are no time-outs. There seems to be no escape because what you thought was your asylum has disappeared, and in its place is now another monster. Saying it aloud - what she must have been feeling - would only degrade its importance. How could you express something like that in something as concrete and restricting as words?
The news of that girl swept over us like another breeze. After the day it came up on the news, no one else mentioned the story; none of us had really cared in the first place. Besides, there were sniper alerts and school shootings taking place closer to home. At the same time I, too, had realized that my obsession was slowly fading. I was not completely free of it, but I just no longer had the time to sit around and mull around in my thoughts.
It no longer haunts me - the idea of suicide, I mean. It's tragic, but I'm not afraid of it like I was back in middle school. Not that I'm any closer to understanding how they could possibly bring themselves to it, but I must admit I stand aghast at my own discoveries thus far. The thing is though, I understand clearer now what it must be like for them. Whereas, I had been from the outside trying to look into a hazy window, I am now standing on the inside realizing that it had been a one-way mirror all along.
posted by Pb, lead at 12:19 PM