I enjoy being alone. Not in the truly abnormal way that makes me seem like a freak - I just don't much enjoy the company of others too much. In other words, I'm a self-centered recluse.

For the most part I usually see others' faults as they are, and even with a manner of glorification to them. I am tolerant of them only because confrontation of those faults would lead to a domino effect of problems that would only increase my general irritation with people. And even with that, I can usually find the most scrutinizing quirks in everyone that will undoubtedly continue to annoy me.

Certainly I do have friends and enjoy their company, but not in the way that I truly appreciate their physical presence when I am with them, which is quite an appalling thing to say. It's probably a distressing and dreary thought to most, but I'm perfectly fine with my independence and dissociation from the real world. I feel superior to those who are so dependent on others. Those who cling to people like magnets and move from partner to partner as recklessly as driving the opposite way on a one-way street, so as to avoid the mere thought of being alone. If the connection to their life support was suddenly severed would they shrivel up like a parasite with no host to feed on?

What worries me is that I must change. What if I don't? For as long as I remember I've been this mold of a person. I assured myself that when I start my own family, when I finally love someone enough to commit myself to an eternity with them, I'll be different. Though it's still a far way off I have an uncanny feeling I'll still harbor this separation for quite some time.

There are innumerable stories of roaming singles who finally realize that they can't play around forever and that settling down with one person is a gift in itself. I certainly don't fit that mold but would I be able to appreciate the gift God gave Adam of company? Of course if God says so, that should be my main motivation to change myself, right?

I'm trying to care, but really I couldn't be less bothered with anyone but myself. Like I said, self-centered recluse.





I'd be a horrible mother.

And an even worse wife, no doubt.

Labels: alone, independence, recluse, self-centered